"You're gonna miss this..."

This winter break has been jam-packed with so much. Family, friends, games, laughing, crying, star gazing, country music, missionary moments, good food, shopping, dancing, limping, reading, watching Psych, talking, praying, Halo 4 and Guitar Hero, kittens, queso, ugly sweaters, funny moments, sad moments, hugs, homemade dinners, spinach smoothies, playing with little kids, pizza, visiting old friends, sweet flannels, giving and receiving gifts, hanging out with the missionaries, parties (good and bad), facebook stalking, driving, visits to Brighton, good movies, good memories...so like, yeah. A lot. I still have 6 days left, and I can't even fathom all that is going to happen in that short amount of time. I feel similar to the way I felt when I left for college the first time. Having to say goodbye to my family, and having to say goodbye to my friends. Saying goodbye to my family is always sad. But there are so many people that I have to say goodbye to that I just don't think I can.

June. My sweet, old neighbor who has become one of my dearest friends. She's like my grandma, but she's honestly one of my best friends. I hate being so far away from her. I miss all of the talks we used to have on her back porch or in her garage or by the mailbox or in the street...she loves to talk. And I love her. So it works out. She loves to talk about the same things: her life as a nurse, her grandkids, her other little-old-lady-friends, her old house, and her daughter and husband who have both sadly passed away. I love listening to her, because her life is as full as her sweet heart. When she's sitting outside on her porch and I walk outside to go somewhere, I always hear this soft, cute "Hello!" from over the fence, and it always makes my day. I decided that I am going to start calling her once a week while I'm at school, because I just honestly miss her so much. I've learned a lot from her. She's not Mormon, but she would be a good one. Maybe the missionaries will get her while I'm gone. ;)

Claudia (Sister Abrams). This lady is absolutely amazing. She is in my ward, and her story just kills me (in a good way). She has inspired me in so many ways, and every time I talk to her, she says something that adds to my list of Inspirational Quotes By Claudia. She is so nice to me. She says the nicest things to me, and just makes me feel genuinely loved. I love her so much. We had a really sweet moment today as my mom and I were driving away...she was talking to us through the window of our car, and she just kept saying how much she was going to miss me and how she expected phone calls and pictures to keep her updated on my life. She said "Go out there, do well, and have fun. Do it for me." I just wanted to cry (and I did, don't you worry), but I decided that I will do all of those things, for Claudia.

Jessikia. I just met her a few days after I got home, but I fell in love with her right away. I met her when I went to teach her with the missionaries, and we kind of became BFFs after that. She's so hilarious, but so genuine at the same time. She has the sweetest spirit, and I just love how much she loves the missionaries and learning about the church. She and I are very different in a lot of ways, but she reminds me of myself a lot. Just the way that she asks so many questions, and how excited she is to get baptized. I love it so much, and I love every time that I get to hang out with her. The hardest part about leaving her is that I'm going to miss her baptism by one day. She's getting baptized on Sunday, and I leave on Saturday. When we found out, we both cried. It's so sad, but there's really no way we can change it. The only solace this situation provides is that she is getting baptized; she's not backing out or getting cold feet. She's 100% committed. I'm so excited for her. I'm so glad I became friends with her, but it's so bittersweet. We become friends, then I just turn around and leave. Life can be so cruel. But, it's also beautiful, so I'm okay with it I think.

Taylor. Taylor is one of my greatest friends in the whole world. I can't express how sad I am about leaving her this time. In August, at least she was just up at BYU-I, and visits to Provo were relatively common for her and her friends, so I got to see her quite a few times. She's on the track system, though, so she isn't going back to school until Spring. And until then, she'll be living in Chicago since her family moved there at the end of the summer. The Gannons are one of my favorite families, next to my own of course. I am in love with all of them. I can't handle the fact that they are so far away now, and now they're taking Taylor with them! When Taylor goes up to school, I'll be starting me summer break pretty much. And as soon as she finishes her semester, I'll be leaving on my mission. Contact between her and I will be so limited, besides Skype and phones. I won't see her for so long. And that just breaks my heart. I don't know what I'll do without my best cat. Every time I think about it, I tear up a little bit. I love that girl so much.

And, of course, Michael. I hate that I am going to be leaving him here in Colorado. I don't understand why he can't just come back next semester (okay, actually I do). I'm selfish, okay? I'll admit it. But I just wish he could be there. I can't imagine life in Provo without him. He was my lunch buddy. He was the third member of the classiest trio in P-town. He was my confidant; the person who I knew would never judge me. He listened to me a lot, because I talked a lot. He walked with me to the Creamery on 9th and helped me plan a super sick surprise birthday party. He made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself...everyday. He chased cats and he chased me when he transformed into a gorilla monster. He fell asleep in the Planetarium and every movie ever. He talked like Miranda and always made weird faces. He cried when I told him my conversion story. He laughed at all of my jokes. I know I've said it a million times, so get ready for me to say it a million times more, but he and Tyler are two of the best friends I made this semester. I know he has great things ahead of him, but it doesn't make this goodbye much easier for me. I'm so excited to go back to Provo, but there will just be hole in my heart for a while. My life will go on, and he will be in Colombia before any of us realize it. I can't wait for his letters, though; I know that kid will be an amazing missionary and he is going to have the time of his life there. I'm so excited for him, but I'm going to let myself be sad too. I suck at saying goodbye.(Imagine what it will be like when Tyler leaves for his mission...there will be a lot more posts like this. #sopumped). 

I'm sorry I'm so mushy, but I can't help it. I promise I'll start posting happier things. Someday. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I promise.

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To finish this post on a happy note, though, my mom apparently talked to my dad about my mission last night. I'm kind of bummed that she didn't include me in this conversation, but I guess it was for the better. But it went really well - I guess he was sort of upset at first, but at the end of the conversation he had pretty much said he was okay with it, because he knew it was something I really wanted to do. He has a lot of questions, which is understandable. But it all honesty, I did not think it would have gone as well as it did. I'm so thankful right now. His heart is being softened so much...and he doesn't even know it. The church is true! I'M GOING ON A MISSION!

Feeling #limited

Sorry about the weird title with the hashtag in it. Sometimes I can't help myself. #sorrynotsorry #oops #somanyhastags #butnottoomany #iguessi'mkindoffunny

I only have one week of break left. I'm secretly panicking about it, because as excited as I am to go back to Provo, there are a few things that I am dreading about it. Saying goodbye to my family, Michael, and Taylor. Homework. Leaving Colorado. It's going to be just as hard to leave this time as it was the first time.

But, thankfully, today was so great that it took my mind off of all those things. It was a simple, laid-back day, but it was so great. A brief overview:

I rode the light rail with my friend Danny into Denver today. Danny is one of the greatest people I've ever known, and it's so awesome that he lives so close to me. I knew who he was before I went to BYU since he's basically famous in Colorado, but didn't know him until we ended up in the same ward. Small world. I love it.

We met up with Michael for lunch on 16th street mall. I have to admit, I don't love Denver. I'm really just not a city person. But I love 16th street because it's so full of life and culture and craziness and fun. It was just nice to be in a cute little bakery with two of my good friends, talking and laughing and catching up. Those are my favorite moments; being with people you love, just talking and having fun just being with them. I can always tell that I like someone when I have fun just sitting and talking with them. We had a good time today.

After lunch, I came home and just hung out with my family for a bit, took a short little nap, and had dinner later on with my parents. I always love hanging out with them.

Tonight was Michael's Ugly Sweater Party. I took my friend Taylor with me, and we just talked the whole drive out there. I can't believe that girl is leaving me again. I'm going to miss her so much. But it was so fun to just talk about our lives and share stories - sad times and funny times and good memories of the semester. Anyway, the party itself was so great. There's never a dull moment when you're with Michael Garrett Johnson, and that's just a fact. But we just hung out and played games, danced to the Just Dance 4 game (which I'm SUPER good at...really, I am), and had root beer floats. Taylor and I were anti-social for a little while and played the piano and sang hymns for a little while. I think people thought we were kind of weird, but it was great. I love being able to hang out with people and just have fun. Real, 100% genuine fun. I laughed a lot, which isn't surprising, but it's always a good sign.

I love Colorado and the memories I make here. I love the love that exists here. It's going to be a tough goodbye. That's for sure.

One of Those Nights

I love this song so much. I think about all of "those nights" that I've had and it makes me smile. Those nights when everything is perfect and you smile so much your face hurts; you just know you'll remember it forever.

Like... The night (I think I was 9) my dad took me outside during a lightning storm and we just laid in the grass watching the lightning for an hour. When I graduated from seminary with my "one year completed" certificate. The night at church camp a few summers ago when they turned off every light in the entire camp and let us lay under the stars for a while. All of the nights that Emma and I would sit out in her car, talking about life, occasionally crying, but usually laughing about our lives. The night that a few of my friends pulled an all-nighter and played Dog-opoly (the dog version of Monopoly, of course) all night long.The night that my friends and I walked along the shore of Manhattan beach and bonded by telling each other our secrets. The night my friend Maureen and I "snuck out" of her house past curfew, went to the park, and came running right back because we thought we were going to get arrested. The night that Jake, Emma, Cecily and I stole a traffic cone and put it in a McDonald's drive through (#rebels). My first Fourth of July at Cornerstone Park - they have the best fireworks in all the land. The night my brother almost set our house on fire (it was funny afterward...kind of.) The night we picked up my cousins at the airport when they came home from living in Maine for two years. The night of my first group date with the boy I secretly liked. The night I decided I wanted to get baptized. The night that Emma and I blasted "Call Me Maybe" in our cars, perfectly in sync, in the Arapahoe High School parking lot. The night I fell off my bike and face planted in the middle of my street (I was 6, don't judge). The night of my senior prom (but not junior prom...) The night a few summers ago when I was camping with one of my best friends, Reagan, and we played tag with all of the boys on the campsite and had to chase down a dog that ran away. The night I went to Elitch's with a bunch of my friends and we went on the Tower of Doom and the Half Pipe in the rain. The night that I saw my favorite band in the world in concert. The nights my dad would take me driving, and play his old school music that I secretly love. The night that my cross country coach, my favorite coach in the whole entire world, gave me his coach's award for the season. The night that my ward hiked the Y at midnight. The night I found out I made varsity. The night that I was finally baptized. The night I got my first stitches from cutting my knee open on a bucket. The first night that Taylor and I went to Sedalia to go star gazing...we drove all the way out there, just to chicken out and turn around because we were afraid of the dark. The night of my first high school football game...our team always sucked, but it was the atmosphere. The night that my lacrosse team junior year won our last game of the season against Heritage/Littleton, making us undefeated for the whole year (we went on to win the summer tournament too...we were kind of hot). The night that Tyler, Michael and I pulled an all nighter (I talk about this a lot, but it was a fun night).

I could do this all day. But the important part of this post is the song, and here it is:

"Remember Christ."

Christmas has come and gone, just like it does every year. I ate a lot of food, just like I do every year. We played a lot of games, made a lot of cookies, and cracked a lot of dumb jokes. We laughed about funny things that have happened, and talked about things we hope will happen. I played Christmas music everywhere I went. We hung ornaments and lights and put up our favorite decorations. We bought gifts, wrapped them, and put them under the tree. It was Christmas, that's for sure. It took a while for me to feel like it was actually Christmas - maybe because life was so crazy in the weeks leading up to it. It was the greatest blessing in the world to be home to spend today with my family. Christmas is always perfect; though all four of us don't have the same beliefs about this day and its significance, we all love each other enough that those differences don't matter. We come together as a family, and just spend the day genuinely enjoying each other's company. Today was one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. Not because we did anything fancy or because I got a ton of presents, but because I was able to spend this beautiful white, Colorado Christmas in Centennial, in the 9 degree weather, with my lovely little family. I couldn't have asked for anything more. 

I am so thankful to know that Christmas isn't just about the lights, the presents, or the food. In addition to spending time with family, we get to really spend time remembering the birth of our Savior. Because of this day, so many more incredible things happened. The life, ministry, Atonement, and resurrection of the Savior all happened because he was born in a manger in Bethlehem so many years ago. Because of the faith of one young woman and one young man, we are able to celebrate the birth of the Savior of the world.

I don't always do the best job of remembering the Savior during the Christmas season. I get caught up with everyone else in the stresses of life and trying to make everything perfect. Especially this year, I found that I was so focused on surviving the last few weeks of school and passing all of my finals that I didn't always leave enough time to reflect on the true importance of this season. At the beginning of December, though, was the First Presidency's Christmas Devotional. I love this broadcast, because it always comes at just the right time - right before people start stressing about presents and get-togethers and all of the less important things that come with Christmastime. I was just so thankful for the words of the prophet and his counselors to help me to remember what Christmas is really about. As I looked at those talks again, these were some of the lines that stuck out the most to me:

"At Christmastime we talk a lot about giving, and we all know that “it is more blessed to give than to receive,” but I wonder if sometimes we disregard or even disparage the importance of being a good receiver.  I hope that this Christmas and every day of the year we will consider, in particular, the many gifts we have been given by our loving Heavenly Father. I hope we will receive these gifts with the wonder, thankfulness, and excitement of a child...

"With you, and with all those who desire to follow the gentle Christ, I lift my voice in praise of our mighty God for the precious gift of His Son. This Christmas season and always, I pray that we will see the marvelous gift of the birth of the Son of God through the blessed eyes of a child." - President Uchtdorf

"As we sing in choirs, families, and classes, and as we have listened together tonight, the carols of Christmas remind us of our shouts of joy when we learned that we could come to this world and be given a Savior to redeem us. Someday we will sing those songs with the hosts of heaven...

"At this and every season, our Savior invites us to join with Him and others to offer the priceless gift of joy." - President Eyring

"My brothers and sisters, true love is a reflection of the Savior’s love. In December of each year we call it the Christmas spirit. You can hear it. You can see it. You can feel it...

"There is no better time than now, this very Christmas season, for all of us to rededicate ourselves to the principles taught by Jesus the Christ. It is the time to love the Lord, our God, with all our heart—and our neighbors as ourselves. It is well to remember that he who gives money gives much; he who gives time gives more; but he who gives of himself gives all…Let us make Christmas real. It isn’t just tinsel and ribbon, unless we have made it so in our lives. Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others. It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values. It is peace because we have found peace in the Savior’s teachings. It is the time we realize most deeply that the more love is expended, the more there is of it for others." - President Monson

There is so much truth in these words. Joy in the Christmas season comes through remembering our Savior and sharing His love with those around us. I'm so thankful for my family, for my friends, and for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm thankful for this beautiful Christmas season, and for the fact that I was able to feel His love for me despite the craziness of life. The good news about Christmas is that it may have "come and gone," but the spirit that exists during this season can be with us all the time if we take the time to remember our Savior.

My favorite verse of my favorite Christmas hymn/carol, to wrap up what has been such a wonderful Christmas:

Hail the heav'n-born Prince of Peace!

Hail the Son of Righteousness!

Light and life to all he brings,

Ris'n with healing in his wings.

Mild he lays his glory by,

Born that man no more may die;

Born to raise the sons of earth,

Born to give them second birth.

Hark! the herald angels sing

Glory to the newborn King!

You Betcha!

This kid is on his mission right now. Already. He's on his mission. Right now, he is serving his mission. He is a missionary. I'm going to go back to Provo in a few weeks, and he will not be there for me to hang out with anymore. No more late night drives up to the top of Squaw Peak. No trips to haunted forests, haunted houses, or haunted hotels. No more Walking Dead marathons in the basement, complete with cookies and cheesy popcorn. No Maveriks hot chocolate, playing football in the front yard, going 40 over speed bumps and driving around the round-a-bout 7 times in a row, bringing doughnuts to Brynna, homemade Sunday dinners, blasting Demi Lovato and Taylor Swift, making stops at random parks to swing and stalk rich people or random day trips to Moab. Of course, I could still do all of those things, but it wouldn't be the same. I'm having a really hard time with this "goodbye for two years" thing. I love missionaries, and I know that Jake and Michael and Jaxon and Jacob and Landon and all of these other wonderful people I've met will be incredible missionaries, but I'm just so bad at saying goodbye. It will be so weird when they're not there next semester. Jake was one of the first friends I made last semester. He didn't even go to BYU; he wasn't in school at all. But since he was Emma's cousin, we hung out all the time, and we just became friends so easily and so quickly. Emma, Cecily, Jake and I. We had fun. I'm going to miss him so much, and it's going to be so weird when I realize we can't just call him and have him come pick us up for a late night adventure, but I know he'll be doing much more important things. I know that he'll be a wonderful missionary, and that all of those crazy Texans are about to be converted by one crazy Bolivian. (Well, by the spirit of course. But the Bolivian will deliver the message.) It's not even goodbye though, remember? Just a "See you later!"

But really, in Elder Boettcher's words, it's a "See ya in two!"

Missionary in Training

I've spent the past two nights with the missionaries from my ward teaching a girl who is investigating the church. I'm not necessarily "teaching," they just ask me to bear my testimony and talk about my experience as an investigator back in the day. It's been a truly incredible experience for me. I used to meet with the missionaries so often - there was rarely a week that went by that I didn't meet with them when I first started taking the discussions. It's so funny for me to be on the other side of the lessons now. After I was baptized, I did this sometimes, where I would tag along with the missionaries and bear my testimony and talk with other investigators. For some reason, it just feels different this time. Maybe it's because I'm actually going to be teaching these lessons in just a few short months. Or maybe it's because I've learned so much since then. I don't know, but I can tell you that it's a great feeling. 

The missionaries (Elder Kalkbrenner from Germany, and Elder Ence from Utah, who are both so awesome) are teaching a girl named Jessikia. She is pretty comfortable with the idea of getting baptized, but she kept saying over and over again tonight that she's nervous, and that she is afraid of the level of dedication she would have to have in order to actually get baptized. She was being pretty vague, and in the end she never completely opened up about what was going on, but something she said just spoke straight to my heart - she said that she was afraid that she couldn't really be forgiven for things she had done, and that she knew that even after she was baptized she would keep making mistakes. As cheesy as it is to say, I was so overcome with emotion in that moment, because that is exactly how I felt when I wanted to be baptized. As much as I wanted to be baptized, I was so afraid that there was still some disconnect that hadn't been mentioned; that because of things I had done I wasn't actually able to be baptized, or that even after I was baptized, I would still never really live up to what was considered "good enough." It's so sad, because that is the complete opposite of what the missionaries teach. I don't really know why I felt that way, but I could relate to Jessikia so much in that moment that I just had to say something (of course). As soon as I opened my mouth, though, I started crying and I felt kind of dumb, but the spirit was there and words just started coming out. I told her about the first time I truly repented, and how it felt when I came out of the water when I was baptized. I told her that I was scared to leave the church that night because I was afraid of sinning again and ruining that feeling of being perfectly spotless. I told her about how I felt when I knew without a doubt that I was forgiven, and when I knew that the Atonement was real. It was a really tender moment, because I haven't really talked about those things in a while. She started talking about her feelings, and the spirit was just so strong. I could have stayed there all night and just listened. I realized how much I missed spending time with missionaries and how much I treasured all of those times I was able to meet with them. Those were some of the hardest days of my life, but surely some of the greatest. In just a few weeks, it will have been two years since I started meeting with the missionaries. Two whole years. I can't even believe it sometimes. Since then, I've been baptized, my mom started coming to church, I made it through a semester at BYU, and I'm preparing to go on a mission. It's amazing how lives can change; but really, it's amazing how the gospel can change lives. I'm so excited for Jessikia. I know that this is the hard part, but I also know that she'll realize soon enough that she's right where she belongs, and all she needs to do is take that step. I wish I could be here longer to see what happens, but I already know what's going to happen. :)

I'm on this spiritual high right now, so I thought I'd share this video because it kind of goes along with the theme of this post. I saw this skit live when I went to YoungLife camp in Flagstaff, Arizona in 2010. Seeing this skit changed my life in a very real way - a lot of the things in this skit applied so perfectly to my life that I knew God had put me in that seat so I could see it. I hadn't felt that way in so long; I hadn't felt like God even knew or cared about me. This just proved to me that I was wrong. #it'satearjerker #beprepared

Daniel J.

Today was a pretty lazy day for me. It was kind of a horrible day, because Tyler left and I wasn't even there to say goodbye (my own fault - basically, I'm the worst person in the world). I sort of let myself mope around and be sorry for myself. I hate goodbyes, and I hate it even more when people leave without actually saying goodbye. Today, that was me. I was the one who didn't say goodbye. I can promise you that I will never forget that. It was one of those horrible, guilty, stomach-sinking kind of feelings that tells you that you'll never really forgive yourself for it. The good thing about it is that it's not really goodbye - it's a "see you later" kind of goodbye; a high five instead of a hug. We'll all be together again soon enough. There will just be a long, two and a half year gap in between our farewell and our reunion. But by that point, we'll be able to share all of our amazing spiritual experiences and talk about how incredible our missions were. So, it could be worse. I'm still a jerk though. 

My brother, Daniel, really, truly cheered me up though. I know he had no idea just how much he made my day, but he did. One of my favorite parts about coming home is hanging out with my little brother. He's not really all that little; in fact, he's pretty huge and has facial hair (which is super strange for me). I think I like him more than he likes me sometimes, but we get along. He is my best friend, and though we're really, extremely different in a lot of ways, we're very similar too. People used to always ask us if we were twins, because we've always looked alike. We both have a giant soft spot for old people. We get along with adults more than we do with kids our own age sometimes. Teachers love us. We're both good at math (except maybe that's not obvious based on my calculus grade this semester...). We both love to be outside. We love dogs and hate cats.  We have the same sense of humor. We like a lot of the same music. We've both played soccer and loved it...but really that one doesn't count because I stink at soccer now and am really just a wanna-be. We like to hike. We laugh at our parents and love them at the same time. We can talk for hours and still have things to talk about. My favorite memories of Daniel are the times that he would come into my room, close the door, sit on the ground and we would talk about everything under the sun. Sometimes our mom would come in to tell us to go to bed, so he'd go back to his own room for a little while, but he'd always come back so we could finish our conversation. We've shared some pretty horrible moments together, too. Like when I had to pick him up somewhere (multiple times, mind you) because he was too drunk to get home, or when we found out my dad had cancer. We've cried together, yelled at each other, and laughed with each other. He came to my lacrosse games, and I was the loudest fan on the sidelines at his soccer games. It's hardest for me to be away from him. As much as I love my parents, it's just so much harder sometimes to know that at school I'm so far away from him. That's what makes our little reunions so sweet. 

The greatest memory of my handsome little brother and I that I have to share right now is when we climbed our first Fourteener together over the summer. We promised each other that we would make time to do it, but it didn't end up happening until the second to last weekend of summer.  August 4, 2012. That was our day. It was a great day, let me tell ya. I have to say, despite all of the hiking I had done all summer long, I was not prepared for how hard that hike was going to be. My brother and I had done an 8 mile hike just a month before, so I thought I was set for life. But this 3,000 ft climb was pretty intense. My brother beat me by about 10 minutes, but he waited for me at the bottom of the rock climbing part. That was the best part - climbing up all of the huge rocks at the end, and really feeling like you were on some grand adventure. It was the greatest feeling in the world when we reached the top. I was so happy that I secretly cried a little bit - being at the top of Mt. Bierstadt in the midst of so many beautiful Colorado mountains with my best friend in the whole world. It was truly amazing. Hiking; brother. Two of my favorite things coming together in the most perfect way.

I'm just so happy to be here with my brother again. It's only for three weeks, but anything is good enough for me.

Muffin Tops

Today was my birthday. I can't believe that I'm nineteen years old. I think about all of the other birthdays that I've had, and I remember that for each one I thought "This is the biggest birthday I've had." I guess that's true - every year you're one year older, and it's monumental because with every age comes new and exciting things. This time though, I really feel that way. I feel like I'm growing up really fast, and that I can't seem to keep up with my life. I can't believe I've already finished one semester of college. I can't believe that in exactly one year I won't even be able to call myself a teenager anymore. It's exciting in so many ways, but it's  also scary in so many ways.

I was feeling really sentimental all day today, so I thought I would let that carry over into this post. I hate to be such a mush ball, but it's my birthday so I'll do whatever I want. My heart has been so full recently. My life is not perfect, and it never will be. The past few months were not easy - it was hard to be away from home, especially at first. Classes were hard, and I came out with grades that were less than stellar. I didn't get enough sleep and had some pretty gnarly headaches because of it. The cafeteria food was less than par, and downright nasty on Sundays. I cried when I missed my brother's soccer games. I sometimes just wanted to run away from the stress and homework and tell everyone that I was never actually good enough to make it into BYU, they just let me in by mistake. I was hard on myself a lot. But, I met so many incredible people and had so many amazing experiences that it was impossible for me to dwell on the hard things for too long. I can't accurately express the joy I experienced just from simply being around people and having fun with my friends. Looking back at this semester, my first semester of college at Brigham Young University, I have never been happier in my life. 

If you thought that was mushy, you better prepare yourself for what's next.

I'm not very good with words, which is really funny because I seem to talk a lot. I wish someone else could type out my thoughts because I'm sure it would sound a lot better. But, that's not the case. I just have to talk about two of the best friends I made this semester, Michael and Tyler. Today was the last full day we'll get to spend together for two and a half years. Two and a half years. Michael is going on his mission in March and won't be back for second semester. I don't think it's really hit me how long that actually is. I've never had a best friend or brother or anyone really close to me go on a mission, so I don't even know what to expect; I don't really know how to feel. Is it okay for me to be sad and cry all the time? Part of me says yes, but a lot of me says no because he's going out and doing the Lord's work. It's one of the greatest and most important things he'll ever do, and Tyler and I will get to do the same thing in just a few short months. Even with all of the positive things that come with this knowledge, it's still so hard for me. I think I'll let myself be sad for now. I have come to love these two people so much. We've talked before about how close we've become and joked about how there aren't any boundaries left between us since we've all embarrassed ourselves enough, but I don't know if they really know how much their friendship has meant to me. I have learned so much from these two, and literally just from being in their presence I feel like I've become a better person. Their testimonies are beautiful and real, and I can see it when I look at them. They just aren't ashamed of who they are; they're genuine and honest and have the purest hearts. I know they're not perfect, but I honestly see them as role models that I could have for every aspect of my life. When we first started hanging out, I didn't expect us to become as close as we did so quickly. We started this workout program together, called the Lazy Iron Man (completing a full Iron Man in one month) in the beginning of November, so we spent time together every day. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that we were working out together...I feel like your walls sort of go down while you're working out, because you're pushing yourself and sweating and all of that fun stuff...it's hard to put up a front, I guess. I don't know. But we bonded a lot over that experience. They pushed me really hard because they're both significantly more athletic than I am, and I really treasured the moments when I would come away from a workout knowing that if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have been able to do whatever we had just done. There were multiple times when we spent entire days together, just for fun. We ate lunch together, watched the entire series of The Walking Dead, spent hours studying and playing cards. There are so many things that happened that make me smile whenever I think about them...When we woke up early to have breakfast and watch Tyler's soccer game, which was just the beginning of our first 18 hour adventure. Watching the Walking Dead every night until 3am, all snuggled up under blankets because it was 23 degrees outside. The first time Tyler and I ever planned to hang out, we ran into each other as he was walking back from racquetball and I was walking to Legend's for dinner - I hardly knew him at this point, but we planned to invite some of our friends to play racquetball. I remember I was super excited, and I turned to my friend Cecily and said "Isn't he cute?" Or the time that Michael and I spent 3 and a half hours talking about everything under the sun. That day was one that I will probably never forget - I told Michael things that I've never told anyone. For some reason, I just kept saying everything that was buried in the depths of my soul. The best part about it was that it felt so natural, and even though it was hard to open up about the deep stuff at first, it just kept coming because I knew that I could trust him, and I knew right then that I was talking to one of the best friends I'd ever had. Funny things that happened... like Tyler throwing up in the Cannon Center while Michael and I stuffed our faces with grapes (Michael definitely won, by the way); or the time that I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle and Michael farted while they were carrying me back to the dorm; when Michael lost his cheese from his Lunchable while we were watching The Walking Dead, which led to the creation of the nickname Michael "Where's-the-Cheese" Johnson. The time when we played croquet when it was getting dark and it was below freezing outside - we said we had to dress classy, so at least we looked nice while we freezed our booties off. I'll never forget the feeling I had when we finished our Iron Man - running the last half mile all together, and how satisfying it was to finally wear that T-shirt. Studying in the library until 2am (extended hours, baby) and spending most of the time playing Scum when everyone else was really focused on their studies. The little "surprise" birthday party Michael and I tried to have for Tyler, which resulted in absolutely no surprise for Tyler, some really horrible brownies, and an extremely successful pinata. We only broke a little part of the ceiling in the process... We pulled an all-nighter the night before we all left for Thanksgiving break. That night, after we had already seen a movie at the dollar theater, we watched the movie Forever Strong outside of Taylor, just like always, but we moved to Tyler's car to watch the Hunger Games. That was the first time Tyler held my hand, and I had butterflies the whole time. Michael slept through 94% of that movie, and once it was over, we took the car back to Tyler's sister's house and walked all the way home at 4:30 in the morning. I don't even remember most of that walk, I just remember that I was carrying 4 blankets and Tyler laughed a lot. One of my favorite memories that I have of this semester was the very last Fast Sunday we had, and Tyler, Michael and I each stood up and bore our testimonies. I hadn't heard them bear their testimonies yet, and I was a wreck afterwards. Testimonies are already so precious, but I just felt so blessed in that moment to have such amazing friends that are so steadfast in the true church of Jesus Christ and so willing to share. I cried a lot that day. Another one of my favorite moments was when I beat Tyler and Michael to the Cannon Center when we planned to meet for breakfast at 7:15. I think I woke up at 6, just so I could be positive that I would beat them. It was one of my prouder moments.

I just wish I could accurately express just how much I love these two. I was so blessed to be able to spend the past few days with them here in Colorado. Plenty of Scum playing, some chicken holding, The Hobbit and We Bought a Zoo, ice cream cake, delicious burritos, letting my inner country girl shine as I drove through the plains of Westminster and Brighton, star gazing in Sedalia, playing Mario Kart and watching Holes, making cookies and a delicious home cooked meal... I'm so happy. I might be depressed every time I think about Michael leaving us, but I'm so happy right now. I am so happy to be able to call these two my friends, and I am so happy that I was able to make so many great memories with them. I'll miss Michael terribly, but I keep picturing the reunion we'll have, after we've all served missions and communicated solely via letters for two and half years. It will be the best reunion, probably one with a lot of tears and snot. 

I think I'll go to bed smiling tonight.

The only thing I have left to say: Thank you, Michael and Tyler, for being two of the very best friends I've ever had. I love you guys more than you know.

18 Hours

Today, I am thankful for today, because today was a wonderful day.

I spent most of it with my friends Tyler and Michael. Let me give you a brief overview, because I have to be awake in 4 hours:
I woke up at 7:45 to eat breakfast with Tyler and Michael.
After breakfast, Michael and I went over to the IPF and watched Tyler's intramural soccer game - that was the first game they had won! We were the good luck charms.
At 10, I walked up to the American Heritage review with the intention of studying very hard today, which, you will find out later, did not happen.
Right after the review, I ran home and changed to play some Wally-ball with Michael and Tyler and other people from the ward, but that didn't last long.
We had lunch after that. Me, Tyler, and Michael.
Then, we parted ways to take naps.
At 4, we met up with Blarper (the twins), Danny, Stephen, and Russel to play some soccer, played for an hour and a half, then ate dinner together.
After dinner, Tyler, Michael and I watched an episode of The Walking Dead in the basement.
Right after that, the three of us went to swim some laps (for our Lazy Iron Man, of course).
And RIGHT after that, we met back up with some more friends and went disco roller skating, which was awesome. Except my ankles are severely swollen.
After roller skating, we went to IHOP, where I had some wonderful pumpkin pancakes.
I have to mention, each time we were in Landon's pick up truck, we listened to Macklemore, and it was a giant dance party every time.
We came home after that, but Tyler, Michael, and our friend Van came over to watch another episode of The Walking Dead (at 1AM, mind you), and we sat all snuggled up in our coats and blankets outside of the dorms.
Now, it's super duper late. And time for me to get some sleep.

Keepin' It Real

This blog post will be short. 

Today, I am so extremely grateful for my dear friend Tanner Edward Palmer. Just being his friend has helped me to grow so much as a person. He is full of love for the gospel, for people, and for his Father in Heaven - he really knows what is important in life. He's not perfect, but he has learned from his mistakes, and the way he lives his life just exemplifies the fact that he knows that he can be better. I love him, and I'm so thankful for the friendship that we have - all of the things we have learned from each other, and all of the ways that we have helped each other. My life is richer because I know him and his family, and I am incredibly thankful for that.

(NOTE: This picture is of me, my mom, the Lattins, and Elder Fuller, Elder Christensen, Elder Palmer and his family. Back when they were all missionaries, and when Elder Palmer was about to go home...crazy how time flies.)

Begin Again

(Pre-post message: The title of this entry is conveniently the name of one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs, off of her new album. Cool, huh?)

I love this time of year. Halloween is over, and now we are heading into Thanksgiving and Christmas, which is the most wonderful time of the year! I decided that I am going to blog every day about what I'm thankful for, specific to experiences or feelings I had that day. I'm excited for this. Please enjoy the monotonous details about my life.

Even though it's technically November 2nd (it's 2am) this post applies to November 1st.

In my Biology class today, my teacher (who is AWESOME by the way) was talking about the competition that innately exists between animals, including humans. All of a sudden he paused, looked up at all of us, and said "Shoot. I just felt the Spirit, so I need to share this with you guys." He went on to talk about how he personally believes that humans may be innately competitive and self-serving, but that God also created us with the intention that we would be selfless and charitable.

Not only am I thankful that he said that, because I agree with him, but I'm thankful that he can say that. I love going to school here at BYU, where I can feel the spirit in every single class because my teachers can talk about the church and the gospel. I feel so incredibly blessed that I can sit in Biology, American Heritage, or Book of Mormon and feel the spirit equally strongly in each class. The spirit lives here - it doesn't just hang out here, it lives here. That is the truth, let me tell you.

One more thing: During our Relief Society presidency meeting today, we were discussing what we wanted to teach about this coming Sunday. MJ, Karlie, and I each said that we had been thinking about teaching about Jesus Christ and the Atonement. It is no coincidence that we all had that feeling - for whatever reason, Heavenly Father wants us to talk about that with our girls this week, and He is trusting that we'll do a good job of it. Isn't that awesome? I love that that happened - the church is true.

AMEN, and AMEN.

Wrapping Up; Moving On

I can't really comprehend how simultaneously quickly and slowly life moves sometimes. It feels like this weekend flew by, but I feel like so much happened. Especially today - I can't believe that just this morning I was still in Ogden, and attending church with the McVeighs, many miles away from my lovely 117th Ward, whom I missed dearly. I can't believe that I just spent 3 and a half hours watching The Walking Dead. I can't believe I have to go to school tomorrow, because my weekend is already over. It's funny how time works.

I wanted to briefly reflect on my experience at church this morning. I honestly and truly have nothing negative to say about it - I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go into it thinking that I wouldn't have fun, but I just wondered if I would feel the same way there that I do at my own church, because that feeling is one that I value so much, and look forward to every week. But, alas! I felt it. The spirit resides where God resides. I believe the spirit was there this morning, and that made me so happy; it truthfully made me feel silly for thinking that it might not have been. I miss that "free" sort of worship. As much as I love my hymns, there is something special and unique about feeling the spirit through the music in such a different way. I loved being about to rock out to some of my old favorites.

Benjer taught the lesson in Sunday school, and I truly felt as though I was an awkward 9th grader again, sitting in class at Holy Apostles Church in Englewood, Colorado. It felt like nothing had changed. Benjer used to get our attention by saying "God is good!" and in response we'd say "All the time!" Then he'd switch it and say, "All time," and we'd say "God is good." It was a fancy little way for him to get our attention. I always loved it. And when he did it today, my reaction came so naturally that it honestly brought tears to my eyes, thinking about how much I had missed that. I want to talk more about what I learned this weekend, but I really need to go to bed. It's 1:30, and I still need to read my scriptures for half an hour before I go to bed! Just another late night for me. Story to be continued tomorrow.

A Little Bit of Reminiscing

Right this very moment, I am sitting at the same polished, wooden table I've sat at so many times. Same chairs, same slightly scarred surface. The only real difference is that this table has been relocated - rather than sitting in an apartment in Denver, Colorado, this table is now housed by a beautiful little home in Ogden, Utah. Quite the journey if you ask me.

I love visiting old friends, and seeing how so many things are the same and so many things are different about people when a few years separate the last time you truly sat down and talked to each other. Life is funny that way. Our perspective changes when we realize how much time has passed; how much life we've lived. It's funny to think that at the end of every year, we look back and think, "How did time go by so fast?" when every Monday morning we thought "I can't wait until Friday."

I have the opportunity this weekend to spend time with my dear friends, The McVeighs. They were kind enough to invite me over to stay with them for the weekend. Let me just say, these are some of the kindest people I have ever known. Not only do they live their lives in the service of God, but they live their lives in the service of people. Both Benjer and Jennifer are extremely involved in their church - Benjer is a youth pastor and Jennifer teaches Bible study. This is so great, to see them so happy and involved, but it's definitely bittersweet for me. We went to church together once upon a time, and Benjer was the youth pastor of my youth group. I miss those times, and I miss Benjer and Jennifer, but I treasure all of the things that they did for me and the rest of those kids. Whether they knew it then or not, they completely transformed our youth and showed us a way of having a relationship with God that we had never known before. It was difficult - membership in that church - and a lot of people walked away deeply hurt from their experience there. It wasn't perfect. But I loved that youth group, and I loved those people like they were my family. Back then, they were my family. As much as I miss that place, I know that everything that has happened between then and now was always supposed to happen. The experience I had there was necessary for me in my life, for me to be able to learn and grow. The great, fun, and old cliche "Everything happens for a reason" is entirely true, and I believe that with my whole heart.

It's wonderful to be here with the McVeighs, to see their beautiful daughters and spend time with such a wonderful family. This weekend came at just the right time; I needed some sort of escape, even if just for a few days. College is wonderful; Provo is wonderful; Mormons are wonderful; but sometimes, you just need to take a step back and enjoy life, really enjoy life, and the simple joys it has to offer. I let my own stress and worries get in the way of the other stuff sometimes. But here, I feel like I can take it easy. I'm also learning a lot here, and I can't wait to bring these things back with me. I can always learn something here. I can always learn something everywhere. How wonderful and true is that?

Run, Forrest, RUN!

I have two experiences that I would like to document this evening.

I'll start with the less important one, so we can end this post on a high note. I ran six miles tonight! I haven't gone that far in quite some time. It took me a painfully large amount of time to finally get into my "runner's high," but it happened eventually. That is a feeling that I rarely get - I think it really only happens after you run  for 40 minutes, or something like that. Weird people get those all the time. Eventually, I just sort of become numb. I don't know if that's a good thing or not...but, it is what it is. I ran around a stupid circle 24 times. I do not usually like running on tracks, but lately I've found the repetition sort of endearing. It was mindless - all I thought about was getting to the end of that next lap. I like being able to think about nothing sometimes. Give the ol' brain a break.

Okay, this is the important thing I wanted to talk about. I had a very unique experience. Maybe unique is not the right word, because this happens with people a lot, I'm sure. Maybe interesting; special. It was special to me. I need to preface this better though...bear with me.

Before I came to school, I was given a surrogate-father's-blessing from my good friend Mark Sabey. In the blessing, it says the following: "Embrace those in need of friends. Continue to embrace the best of these. You will have tender experiences." This is one part of that blessing that really stood out to me, because even on the first day that I was here, this part of my blessing was true in a very real way. But, last night I had one of these "tender experiences."

Emma and I were just about to go to the homecoming dance, and we were all decked out in our 80's/90's/something like that attire. My friend Jane, who is also a convert, called me just as we were about to walk out the door, and asked if I would come over and talk to her for a bit. I could tell that she was upset, so I said a quick prayer that we would be able to have a good conversation, and that I could comfort her in whatever she was struggling with. To make a long story short, she just explained to me that she has been having a really hard time. Her parents are even less supportive than mine (well, my dad) of her joining the church and coming to BYU, and she was just looking for someone who could actually understand what that was like. I thankfully don't have it that bad anymore - my mom is almost entirely supportive, and while my dad is not necessarily supportive of the decisions I've made, he isn't nearly as mean about it as he was before. We talked for about two hours, so I missed the entire dance. The interesting thing was that I wasn't really all that sad about it. I know that Heavenly Father kept me and Emma from getting ready to go any sooner, because I would have already been gone by the time Jane would have called me. I know that I was meant to become her friend so that we could have this bond that has formed between us. I feel so blessed that I am able to have tender experiences like these. I'm so thankful for the example that Jane is to me, and to everyone who meets her. She is so strong, and I'm amazed at her courage in coming to school here and wanting to go on a mission with such a feeble support system. I love BYU. I love the people here.

And that's really all I have to say tonight.

(EXCEPT, I have one more thing....I played hide and seek in the HFAC with my ward tonight. It was super duper awesome. And that's really actually all I have to say tonight.)

"I hope they call me on a mission..."

Last Saturday, to open the first session of General Conference, President Thomas S. Monson announced that the age at which young men and women can serve missions has been dropped from 19 to 18 for young men, and from 21 to 19 for young women. The news came as such a surprise - no one besides the members of the First Presidency of the church knew this was going to happen. I feel like this is one of the greatest revelations the Prophet of the church has ever received. In my mind, it proves to us that God trusts us enough to send us out at such a young age, and that there is obviously a great need for missionaries - whatever that means. I can't explain the happiness that overwhelmed me when he announced that! I just want to share a quick story about that.

Earlier in the week, my good friend Tanner Palmer told me that he had written down questions in preparation for General Conference. I thought that was so great, so I decided to do the same thing, and really think about things that were on my heart and questions that I wanted answered. The night before conference, I prayed that I would be able to receive an answer to these questions and that the spirit would help me to understand the answers I received. I wrote one of the questions I had like this: 

"Marriage and family - creating a family, getting married, girls - mission?, raising a family in the gospel, waiting to find the right husband, how to know when it's right to get married"

Another, I just wrote "missionary work."

Now, these aren't questions in the normal sense, they're more just ideas that I was hoping would be addressed. 

I've been wondering for a long time if I am meant to serve a mission. Ever since I was baptized, it was all I wanted to do. I want to go to school, and I want to get married, but I always felt like going on a mission was the most important thing I could do right now, but I couldn't do it right now - I would have to wait until I was twenty-one. In my Patriarchal Blessing, it says that I will "be called to teach the Gospel." This could mean any number of things, but I remember at the time that I received the blessing, and every time I read it, I feel as though that means that I will be called to serve a mission. With the age lowered, I can't think of what else it could possibly mean. This is my chance; I have to do it! I talked to my bishop, Bishop Tanner, from home the other day, and we decided that I will put my papers in sometime in January or February, and set my availability date for sometime after winter semester. I can't even put into words how excited I am! It makes me nervous, but I know that it's right. 

Tonight, two boys in my ward, Michael and Jacob Johnson (they're twins), received their mission calls, and I just had to record it, because I had never seen twins open their calls at the same time! While being here at BYU, I have seen a few people open their mission calls, and every time I'm embarrassed because I cry like a little baby. This is the video - it's so amazing and awesome and every other good adjective. I love these boys, and I'm going to miss them when they're gone, but I am so excited for them! I'm a little bit jealous too, but my time will come.

Long time, No blog

It has been way too long since the last time that I blogged. It's really sad. I've promised myself that I will be re-living some of my recent experiences and writing about them so that they can reside here forever.

Today was such a great day. It's fall, and since Utah is similar in beauty to Colorado, I was feeling extra blessed walking by all of the red and yellow trees, crunching the dry leaves that had already fallen, and basking in the warm, autumn sunshine.

Classes were good today, and I went with my friend Hope with our ward to the Homecoming opening ceremony today. It was really fun, even though it was slightly cheesy. I was just happy that I didn't miss it. I was really bummed that I missed homecoming at my high school this year, which I felt really lame about because college kids are supposed to be over high school. Let me just say, homecoming at BYU is about to crush homecoming at Arapahoe High School.

I had a nice conversation today after class with Jordan Christensen, who served a few months of his mission in my ward. I've run into him a few times now, and it's always so funny to see him as a normal person, without his missionary tag. He is so funny though, I love talking to him.

I was desperately searching for a friend to Hike/Light the Y with me tonight, but I couldn't find anyone who wanted to go. Lighting the Y is a tradition during homecoming week here, and I love hiking and traditions so I certainly didn't want to miss it. My friend Hope and I, again, journeyed up to the trail head with a bunch of other people in big vans, which sounds kind of strange, but it really wasn't. Our van was full of awesome people. The hike itself was great - we held a tarantula, talked about life, and helped light the Y! It was so great. I think Hope and I are going to be great friends. It was nice to get away from the stresses of life and hike and chat for a while. It was probably the most perfect, clear, beautiful night to do such a thing.

I feel so incredibly blessed to go to such a prestigious university. Prestigious is not meant to sound cocky or self-righteous; I am just proud to go to a school that holds its students to such a high standard. BYU is so fun and beautiful because of that standard. My math teacher talked about General Conference talks yesterday; the girls on my floor talk obsessively about serving missions and their availability dates, now that the age has changed. Boys respect girls, and girls wear modest clothing that makes them look truly beautiful. I love this place. As much as I sometimes miss home, I love where I am, and I couldn't think of a better place for me to be right now.

I'm still riding on the happiness of seeing one of my best friends this weekend. Taylor Florene Gannon (pictured above). I miss this girl, and it just made me so darn happy to see her again. I can tell already that this week is going to be a Happy Week.

Above and Beyond: Team Bonding #2

I love college. I can't even begin to express just how much fun I've had in just this first week and a half of school. Everyone I talked to about BYU always told me about how much fun it was, and it's not that I didn't believe them, my nervousness always just got in the way of me accepting the fact that the greatest time of my life was awaiting me. I already posted about tunnel soccer and how incredibly fun it was, so I won't repeat my excitement rant about that night. Last night, my ward hiked the Y at night, and it was beautiful. Since we're freshmen, we had to hike to the hike (as in, we don't have cars so we had to WALK the 40 minute walk to the actual trail head), but it was just a jolly ol' time. I love my classes and teachers; my TA's are so helpful and patient; I have been on time a lot, if not all the time; I've met some incredible people and already made some fantastic friends and memories; there is so much good food around here; and I can feel my spirituality increasing and strengthening everyday. It's one of the greatest feelings I've ever had. I knew it would happen; I spent a good portion of the summer waiting for the day that I could finally come and further strengthen my testimony in an environment that entirely encourages and supports that. I am certainly homesick. I miss my brother, I miss the flowers in my backyard, I miss my parents, I miss good ol' Arap and the cross country team, I miss autumns in Colorado...all of that, and more. But, this is my life now, and it is the good life. I am happy. And I'm excited to continue along on this journey. That's all for now!

Team Bonding, Round One

Tonight was a living-the-dream-at-college kind of night. Some of the girls and boys from my ward got together and played "tunnel soccer" in one of the many tunnels on campus. It was like indoor soccer, but it was open on the ends...because it was in a tunnel...yeah, you understand. It was so much fun, mostly because most of the people in the group actually took it seriously, but there was a great balance between competitive and playful. After we faced an extremely unfortunate loss, we ran through the sprinklers on a hill near the dorms and slid down the hill like a Slip 'n Slide. I can't explain how much fun I had; I was cracking up and grinning like a little kid the whole time. We made this bond, just in one night, and I can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings. I'm so grateful that I am able to be in a ward with these amazing people, and experience college at this incredible university. I am constantly surrounded by beauty, friendly people, and the assurance that I have made so many right decisions that have led me to where I am right now. I literally cannot wait for the adventures that lie ahead of me.

Attention!

I am weirdly uptight sometimes. I let things bother me that really shouldn't bother me. I dwell on stupid things that I should honestly just get over. I hate it because I feel like people sometimes think that that's just part of who I am; it's expected that I will be uptight about some things. And I just hate hate HATE that. Even this post testifies to the truth of that (ha, I'm such a Mormon) -- I'm getting uptight about being uptight. OH MY GOSH, WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Okay, that last part was a joke. I'm not really that dramatic, I promise.

Rather, look forward. And find joy in each step of the way.

I know what my problem is lately, though. I have been absolutely horrible about reading my scriptures and making my morning and evening prayers a priority. It's horrible, and I feel it constantly throughout each and every day. It will change though, and it will change tonight. I know with all of my heart that once I start doing those things regularly again, I will be happy. Coupled with that knowledge is the fact that my floor is awesome. I just spent some quality time with some girls in my hall, and we just laughed and talked about random things and just had fun sitting there and getting to know each other. I'm making friends! Already! And it is an awesome feeling.

Things are about to become great in this journey I call life.

Orientation-ated

Yes, that is a word.

Freshman orientation is OVER! As much as I learned, and as many cool people that I met during the first few days, I am sort of done with being herded around campus in little groups like sheep. I am really glad I took advantage of orientation and made some new friends and got to know the campus and mission of BYU better. I have this incredible feeling every time I walk around campus; I am finally, really a college kid. I am going to be living in a dorm with my very best friend in the world, and I am surrounded by people who share the same values as me. As hard as it was to say goodbye, I am finding that I am ready for this year, and I am ready to do the very best that I possibly can. My experience at BYU will be based on what I put into it, and just how much I am willing to sacrifice. I know that if I let myself, I will grow immensely and be able to discover who I am and what my purpose is.

This is all great and awesome and true, but my eyelids are heavier than I can possibly explain, and I'm going to fall asleep any second now. Tomorrow--night on the town experience from last night and list of goals and ambitions for this year.

Goodnight!

Long Time, No See

Well, it looks as though I may have slacked a little bit on my blogging. And when I say a little, I mean lookIhaven'tbloggedinovertwomonths. It's kind of sad - to think, I was so excited to post daily about my adventures, and document the days as they passed so I wouldn't forget them. I really wish now that I would have; though if we're being honest, some of my posts would have been pretty angry, considering the struggle that was my job. As much as I love kids, I had many hard days. But, I can't dwell on the should-have- or could-have-been's, I must look forward.

Looking forward. What an interesting concept. This blog that I started in the beginning of the summer started with a post about Graduation. It honestly and truly feels like I graduated years ago. I feel like so much has happened since then, when it's really only been three months. After Graduation, I did a lot of "looking forward," as it were. During the school year, I could not wait to get out of high school and move to Provo. After I graduated, I sort of saw college as a looming presence in my life, though it still seemed like it was some what far away. This is where I currently stand: I leave for school in roughly 57 hours. If we're being honest, that is not far away at all. To put it simply, I am staring college right in the eye. It's crazy and weird and scary and exciting and promising and new and unknown and interesting and every other adjective that works in this situation. I feel almost apathetic; it really hasn't hit me. There are moments when I am so excited I can hardly contain myself, and moments when I feel like curling up in a ball, hiding, and letting myself cry and think about all of the things I'm going to miss. There are a lot of things that I am going to miss. I'm in this weird place where even though I'm busy, I often feel like there is not much going on. And since I have not yet gotten to school, all I really have to think about are my memories, and the fact that the life I love here will simply go on without me. It's just so hard to picture myself sitting in my dorm room with my best friend, when I drive by my old high school almost everyday and think about the Cross Country season that started already  (without me), and the Homecoming assembly and parade that will be happening in a few short weeks (without me). On the same note, however, I will be at BYU in three days. In three days, I will have all of my crap moved into my new room, I will be checking in and getting a student ID and trying to memorize the map before I start wandering around looking lost. I will literally be having the time of my life, and though I can't really see that yet, I know that it's true. It's really going to happen. And it's going to be amazing.

I decided I don't want to miss out. I want to do all that I can without drowning in life, and I want to do it all the very best that I possibly can. I don't want to be on the outside of anything; I want to let myself live and have fun and study hard and be successful, darn it! I know that college will be all that I think it will be and more. I guess, even though I don't really admit this to people, I'm a little bit scared. No, I really am scared. But I know that I am in good hands, and I know that everything that is meant to happen will happen. I want to record it all, I want to remember the good times and write about all the crazy things I feel. I want to remember people, places, events...everything. This ol' blog will certainly come in handy. I need to clean and pack, and really buckle down. This is happening.


Look out, all you Mormons. I'm comin' for ya.

Mission: Accomplished

I did it. I told him. I actually told him.

You know how sometimes, when you're really nervous about something, or if you want something to be perfect (or both), you practice over and over what you want to say? But, you always say something entirely different from what you had hoped to say. That happens to me all the time. I hate it. I had a whole bunch of cute, honest, and important things I wanted to tell him, that I just didn't even mention. It was extremely brief, but it was good. I would easily consider it a success. I may not have said a lot of things that I wanted to say, but there may be another time and place in which those things can be talked about. I feel so good; I already accomplished one of my summer goals, and it's only June 9th.

BOOM, what's up world?

Meeting the Stegman's

I had a very interesting experience today. I was able to meet my dad's best friends' parents. The sad thing is that my dad's best friend, Dan, died when he and my dad were only 19 years old. They were sitting in lawn chairs on the side of the road in front of my dad's house when they were hit by a car -- Dan was hit first and ended up under the car, and died instantly. My dad was hit and the impact sent him flying, and he ended up skidding on the street on his back for about 60 feet. My dad had countless bones broken, and had to re-learn how to walk and move some parts of his body.

Even 30 years later, the pain is very real and very prominent in my dad's life. He gets choked up whenever he talks about Dan, and my brother Daniel is his namesake, of course my father's request. He visits the Stegmans every now and then, and always tells us that he wants us to meet them. Today he finally took all of us - me, my mom, and my brother - over to meet them. Karen and Dean Stegman; Keaner and Deaner, as my dad calls them. I wasn't necessarily nervous to meet them, I just didn't know what to expect. I honestly didn't really want to spend a lot of time talking about sad things, as selfish as that sounds, and sort of thought that sad things might come up in conversation. To see the hearts of all the people around me breaking as they tell stories and remember their son and friend is not my most favorite thing in this world. Instead, though (thankfully), we talked about happy things -- our lives and their lives, grandchildren, distant relatives, dreams, school, future careers, funny moments and fond memories. They told us stories about their kids, and talked a lot about their only living son (out of four :( truly heartbreaking...) and all of the things going on in his life. They asked me and my brother questions about what we like to do, what we want to do, and things we want to do with our lives. Karen's brother became Mormon when he was 17, so his whole family now is Mormon and live all over Utah. Her nephew is a professor at BYU, so she told me to find him so that I could "have a little piece of family" with me in Utah. I have to tell you, I honestly fell in love with these people. I have never seen or talked to such sweet, loving people. I was so thankful that my dad took us over there today. I was so happy that I was able to meet them, become friends with them, share stories with them, and feel at the end as though they really could be a part of my family. I miss them already; I didn't want to leave. I wish so much that I would have been able to meet them sooner, so that I could have spent more time with them. My time now is so limited, and it makes me so sad. There are people that come into your life and bless it so much -- Keaner and Deaner are those people. I am in love with them, and can't wait to see them again.

I found this picture on Pinterest, and it reminds me of the Stegman's house. There's something special - "homey" - about houses that were built in the 60's. I love them, just not as much as I love the Stegmans. :)

Hello, Old Friend

It really feels like it's been forever since summer last came around. I've been out of school for two weeks now, but last night was the first night that really felt like summer was here again. My Mormon buds and I went to the dance out at the Cannery (a huge, multi-stake, outdoor dance) and just had a blast. There are sometimes when I feel awkward at dances, but not last night. I just had a good time, and didn't really care about what people thought about my awesome dance moves. After the dance, Taylor and I met up with a few people at the 7 Eleven by David Lorenz fields (turf fields on the top of a landfill), and instead of getting slurpees like we originally planned, we went into the fields that were closed off by a locked fence and ran around, looked at the stars, and screamed "YOLO" at the tops of our lungs. As lame and 7th-grader-esque as that sounds, it was so much fun, and it just embodied the things that summer should be. Hanging out and doing stupid (just not too stupid) things with your friends. I will mark that as my first Grand Summer Experience, and eagerly await my next grand adventure -- which will of course be documented.

Let the games begin.

Grand Total: 27

Yes, 27. Twenty-seven. The rough estimate of how many times I threw up yesterday. Isn't that lovely? I haven't had a stomach virus for years, then all of a sudden, BOOM, I'm bent over the bathtub puking my brains out. One of the little children that I babysit is completely to blame -- he was throwing up on Monday night, and I started nannying on Tuesday. There is no doubt in my mind that the little booger gave whatever he had to me. Revenge stinks, little dude...

Okay, don't worry, I won't be seeking out revenge on a 9 year old. I just hate being sick. I have eaten 18 Saltines and had one glass of Gatorade all day. I've been laying in the same spot for 9 hours. I pretty much slept the day away, and when I wasn't sleeping I was watching TV or trying my hardest to be asleep. I wasted today because I was sick. I absolutely hate that. But, at this rate I'll be mostly healed by tomorrow, which is all that really matters. I'm ready to just be done with this. Though, I guess I don't know a whole lot of people who can say they've puked 27 times in a day...there's a brighter side to everything.

Heartache

The hardest and weirdest part about going to college is saying goodbye to people that I love. I have never been good at saying goodbyes. It's something that, thankfully, I haven't really had to do a whole lot in my life, but it still just never gets easier for me. Thinking positively though, most of my goodbyes are just "See you laters," since I'm only leaving temporarily for now. Provo is only a quick 9 hour drive away, and a very short plane ride. I'm excited to leave and be on my own and go have a freakin' blast at BYU, I just wish I could skip the hard part.

There's one person that I really just don't want to think about saying goodbye to. It will be one of the harder ones, after my family of course. This summer, I have a goal to establish some sort of relationship with this person, even if it's just letting him know that I like him, and maybe holding his hand once or twice. Is that really so much to ask? Can't guys just catch the hints that we so carefully lay out? I feel like I'll basically have to scream in his face "HEY I LIKE YOU" for him to finally notice. Maybe that's how I'll tell him. Good plan.

Regardless, this is something that needs to be done ASAP. I can't go off to college knowing I never told this kid how I really feel. My goodbye would be even more painful -- it wouldn't just be a "See you later, I've had a nice time hanging out with you," it would be a "See you later, I was secretly in love with you but was just too lame to ever tell you." I don't want to be that person. I will not be that person.

So, to sum it all up:

1. "Goodbye" is my least favorite word

2. I have a cute little crush on a cute kid

3. I have to tell him, so that my goodbye sucks less

TIME FOR BED! I need at least 8 hours of sleep tonight. Peace, bretheren.