Verb Count

I'm currently sitting in the library, trying to do my homework, but I keep getting distracted. Honestly, this happens all the time, so it's not surprising. My ADD is not really all that interesting, but today I wanted to talk about it because two words in particular keep coming to mind. Recently in my life, these two words have really started meaning a lot to me, because they come up often enough that I can't ignore it anymore. Accept and immerse. Two words that don't necessarily relate in any way, but two words that mean the world to me.

Accept. I need to get better at accepting things. Compliments, forgiveness, love. I've always had a problem with this, but over the past year and a half (interestingly, but not coincidentally, the amount of time that I've been Mormon) it's gotten a lot better. The thing I really want to accept and understand is the gift of the Savior's love and His Atonement. Sometimes I forget that there's more to the Atonement than what I think is "my end of the bargain" - the most beautiful description I've heard of this recently is that He is literally offering me His hand, and I just have to take it.  I just have to accept it.

Immerse. This one is great. I love this word. It so perfectly describes what I have to do: immerse myself in the gospel of Jesus Christ. "To immerse" is certainly not a one time thing - it's on-going and changing and developing and growing. I am here at BYU, for goodness' sake. You'd think that I would have been able to do that properly by now. But I haven't. I will though. And I know that as soon as I do, my life will change so dramatically.

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Fun facts, to prolong my homework break:

I chew a strangely large amount of gum on a daily basis.

Today, I am wearing a shirt that I was originally afraid to buy, but now I love it.

I write on my hands. And I think people think it looks ugly. But it's the only way I remember things.

I don't really like the cold. I love the snow, but I'm not a huge fan of 4 degree weather.

I am falling in love with my writing class, which I am genuinely surprised about.

Every single day, I see at least one person on campus that looks enough like someone I know from home that I have to do a double take, then remind myself that 93% of the people I know don't live in Provo, Utah.

I pretty much suck at basketball.

And, that's it!

Missionaries-to-Be

I'm taking a Mission Preparation class this semester, and I know already that this will be one of my favorite classes that I've ever taken. My teacher's name is Sister Ulrich, and she is amazing. On the first day of class, she laid out her own experience as a missionary for us. From the moment she started talking, I knew I liked her. Nothing against Mormons at all, but I feel like we often make missions out to be the greatest and most wonderful things in the whole world. And honestly, they are. I know that. But we sometimes gloss over all of the hard things. Sister Ulrich told us all of the hard, painful parts of her mission. She said it was the hardest thing she had ever done, and that there were so many days that she wondered if she could make it. She said that her testimony grew ten-fold. She said that it was the most rewarding thing she had ever done. She was so honest I could hardly handle it. It was just so interesting and amazing to hear someone talk about it so openly; emotions, hardships, doubts, everything. That day, at the end of class, she had us walk around the classroom introducing ourselves as "Sister ___" or "Elder ___". It was so foreign-feeling, to say to someone "Hi, I'm Sister Scott, and I'm a missionary." I teared up the first time I said it, because all of a sudden it felt so real. I will actually be introducing myself like that to people in a few months though, so I guess I better get used to the idea now.

In class on Monday, we did our first practice missionary discussion. It was so short, but it was one of the most powerful experiences I've had to date. We were paired up, and one person taught a really short lesson on prayer, and at the end the other person was supposed to pray. I was the praying partner, so when Hannah (my partner) was done teaching, I was supposed to tell her some things that were on my mind that I thought I wanted to pray about. It was just supposed to be a practice, but both of us took it really seriously. The spirit was so strong in that room as all of these missionaries-in-training bore their testimonies and taught their "investigators" how to pray. I felt prompted to be totally honest with Hannah, so I told her about my mom, and how I was worried about her and her testimony, and about my dad, and how I can't help but worry about him and if his cancer will come back. I told her that I hadn't decided if I was going to wait to put in my papers so I could go on the trek with my stake this summer, or just get my papers done so I can go as soon as possible. It seems like a silly dilemma, but it has just been tearing at my heart for the past few weeks. It's amazing how the Lord works, though. I hate to say this, but as prominent as all of these things are in my life right now, I haven't yet taken the time to really pray about them like I did in that hot, noisy classroom, on my knees, surrounded by future missionaries who were all humbling themselves before the Lord at the same time. I haven't felt like that in such a long time. I felt that as soon as I said "amen" I knew the answer. I think I knew the answer all along, but Heavenly Father wants us to ask so that He can answer. As funny as this problem of mine is, I know that I'm supposed to put my mission papers in as soon as I can. I received my answer in that room, as soon as I just said my simple, heartfelt prayer. As I was walking back, I called my bishop, and I'm meeting with him within the next week to start my papers. It's happening. It's real. 

Two things I know for sure:

1. I'm going to be a missionary.

2. God answers prayers. That's all there is to it.

Sunday FUNday!

Today was fun. It was also sad. If I could draw a line separating the sad and the fun, I would probably put myself about 2 inches over the line on the fun side. So, the happy overruled the sad, which is what my goal was for today.

A few highlights: 

Testimony meeting. I loved that we could be back at school for the first Fast Sunday of the year. It was so great to be back and to hear the testimonies of the wonderful people in my ward. I realized how much I missed them as I saw them this morning. (Even though about a third of the ward was actually there... #woops)

Team teaching with MJ in Relief Society. I love that girl, and I learn so much from her. I'm so thankful for her friendship and for all of the time that I get to spend with her and the rest of the presidency, as well as the entirety of our Relief Society. There are so many awesome girls on my floor, and I get to see them every day, and grow in the gospel with them every Sunday. It's amazing.

Being reunited with Cecily and Emma, and getting the trio back together. I missed that Cali girl and my Colorado BFF. It's funny how we've been apart for so long, but it feels like nothing has changed. I like that. I think that with good friends, that's how it should be.

Having my first lunch back in the Cannon Center. Not delicious, not even really good, but familiar and fun. It was even better because we played Scum afterwards, just like every Sunday after dinner. I'm so glad I was accepted into that group back in the day, because that has become one of my favorite "traditions" up here at BYU.

Walking to Tyler's sister's apartment in the cold (it wasn't too bad, I guess) to get a movie, then turning right back around and walking back. I always secretly love those trips, because first of all, it's so funny that we have to walk because we're freshmen, and second of all, it gives us time to just talk about whatever. Those are my favorite moments.

Spending the evening watching The RM, going to ward prayer and seeing Josh, visiting the Boettcher's, and playing some Uno.

Those weren't really highlights. That was pretty much my whole day. I missed my family today. And Michael. And Jacob. And Jaxon. And Jake. And Claudia. And June. But it was a great day, and I didn't really think too much about it, which was great. My heart has a huge, gaping wound in it, but it's healing. A little bit.

Last fun fact of the evening: Jessikia got baptized roughly 4 hours and 22 minutes ago. How incredible is that? The church is true!

"This is it."

When Emma, Jake and I went to Moab, we ran into a cute old couple from London while we were hiking and stopped to talk to them for a while. We talked about all sorts of things, but the one thing that the woman said that I will never forget (she had just been talking about how Moab was just one stop on a long list of places they'd be visiting in America for their vacation) is "This isn't practice, this is it." She was talking about how this life is all we have; we don't get a do-over if we don't like the way we did it the first time. It really made me think. I like the way she said it too. "This is it." This is the real deal.

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I got to say my goodbyes to my neighbor June, the missionaries, and Jessikia today. I won't go into all of the mushy details because I've been doing that a lot lately. I do want to say, though, that Jessikia is amazing. She invited her sister to come to the meeting tonight, and she (her name is Amanda) came with so much innocence and desire to learn about the church and her Heavenly Father. She has had a hard life, and she wants to change it; she wants to make things right and better for her and her two kids. The spirit was so strong while we were in that room in that beautiful church. She kept saying that she felt so good, that it felt right to be there with the missionaries. One thing that Jessikia said I will never forget... "I remember when I felt that the first time. That feeling...I knew I never wanted to be without it. That's when I decided I was going to keep it with me." It perfectly describes any person's conversion - whether you were born into the church or joined later in life. You realize that the truth you've learned is it - your searching is over, because it's all right in front of you. This is it.

After the lesson, Amanda said the closing prayer. These are the moments that I can't wait to experience when I'm on my mission - hearing someone say their first prayer, and asking God with all of their heart to help them to know whether the message is true. It brings tears to my eyes every time. It reminds me of how innocent we are when we pray; we're just children asking our Father for help. I love it. It's the most incredible thing. I wish more than anything that I could be here for Jessikia's baptism on Sunday...it breaks my heart that I fell in love with her and her story, just to leave right before it really begins. And Amanda! I'm going to miss out on seeing as she grows in the gospel with her sister. There's a place I need to be, though. I need to keep growing, too.

I've been really into posting pictures lately, so I'm going to keep the trend going. This beautiful woman that I've come to love so much, who is simultaneously one of my best friends and like my grandmother. I learn so much from her and always leave her with a smile on my face.  We can talk for hours about literally anything. We've talked about everything from her husband to boys I like, from my dream job to her life-long career as a nurse; people we love, fond memories and sad memories, God and all of the mysteries that come with knowing Him. She has the world's biggest heart. I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to her again. But, I know that this woman knows what love really is, and that won't change over the next four and a half months. 

Lessons I Learned As a 19-Year-Old

I really only learned one lesson today. It wasn't really a lesson, and I already knew about it, so I didn't really learn it either. 

Regardless, I am just not good at saying goodbye. Goodbye is a dumb word, and it has too many meanings to really count. You could say goodbye as a final thought - "Goodbye, I never want to see you again." You could say goodbye when you drop someone off at their house, but knowing it's not permanent - "Goodbye, I'll see you tomorrow." You say goodbye when you hang up the phone, but that's just because you're not with them and you can't talk to them once you hang up - "Goodbye, I'll talk to you soon." We say goodbye all the time, but I don't know how often we consider what it means. Maybe you're not really supposed to give it a second thought. Maybe the more thought you put into it, the harder it is to actually say it. Maybe only really weird people actually think about it in this much detail.

The good news is, most of my goodbyes up until now have been open-ended. I haven't been the jerk that says "Goodbye, I never want to see you again." Instead, mine are always "Goodbye, come back as soon as possible."

A glimpse of my second-to-last day in beautiful Colorado spent with one of my greatest friends:

Sitting outside of the cutest little sandwich shop in the beautiful, sunny Colorado weather, talking about life and laughing about awkward moments and funny crushes and our favorite memories from the past 4 months. 

Driving through Brighton, which is officially my favorite town. Driving down roads that go on forever, through the rolling plains, with the mountains there in the not-so-far-off distance. It's like living in a painting of the most beautiful picture I have in my head. (Wow, cheesy. #sorrynotsorry)

Talking to one of my other greatest friends all the way in Arizona. I love how we can talk and it seems like we're all together even though we're so far away.

Ending the night with a random meeting that I served exactly 0 purpose in, having dinner and laughing some more about awkwardness and embarrassing moments, and saying that open-ended goodbye. What a farewell that was. It's a great thing when saying goodbye is actually that difficult. I love that we had the chance to do that; to say goodbye, then to spend time talking about why that goodbye was as difficult as it was. I don't want to talk about it anymore, because honestly... open-ended or not, it sucks.

But I can be happy, too! LOOK I'M HAPPY :) Especially because I got pictures with the cute Johnson kiddos. Minus Jacob and Brother and Sister Johnson. I'm going to look back fondly upon all of these days I talk about so often. There will be tears, for sure. But for the last time, this is just a see-you-later. No permanence with this one. See ya in two, Michael.

Ringing in the New Year

How do you even "ring" something in? That's what I want to know.

I spent New Years Eve with Taylor, Michael, and Jacob and their friends at a Mormon dance. There is so much awkwardness that exists at those dances, but we managed to have a great time. I haven't really decided what I want to say about the fact that it's already 2013, but here are some random, briefly described highlights of 2012:

- Getting accepted into BYU. This was one of the greatest days of my life. I cried and told everyone I knew.

- Celebrating my first "Mormonversary" :)

- Graduating from high school! I had so much fun at graduation. I was one of the nerds that couldn't stop smiling.  In all the pictures that my parents took of me I just have this huge, goofy smile on my face. It was such a cool experience, watching Mr. Booth hand all of my classmates their diplomas, and seeing the stands in the stadium completely packed with people. (I can tell you they were never that full for our lacrosse games...) It didn't feel real until it actually happened. And I was so excited when it finally did.

- Making varsity lacrosse. I have to say, that season was the worst lacrosse season of my whole life. I sometimes wanted to quit, or punch my coach in the face, or both. But I did love playing in the stadium, especially under the lights. I loved playing at a higher level and seeing how much better I had gotten over the years. I loved the feeling I had after finishing a super hard work out. I loved our spring break "heck week" - our team got so close during those horrible work outs. I loved the warm-up music before games. I loved, LOVED hearing my name announced before games.."number 77, Michelle Scott." :)

- Graduating from Seminary. I loved how much they celebrated the seniors and our accomplishments, not just in seminary but in our lives. I love Mormons.

- Watching my dad beat cancer. It was a long, painful process for everyone, but nothing can describe the happiness that came with hearing the news that it was gone. It may not be gone forever, but it is right now, and that's what matters right now.

- My summer job. There were a lot of days that I hated it, but I just adore those kids. I honestly think of them as my children, which might be creepy, but I just love them so much. I've spent somewhere close to 990 hours of my life with them, so we've gotten to know each other pretty well. I've learned so much about myself and life and the world and how to raise children. We had fun...fishing in lakes and ponds and rivers and streams, hiking all over Colorado, making sand cities for crawdads, helping Addi with his math homework, taking day trips to Castle Rock to go swimming at the coolest pool in Colorado, getting ice cream cones at McDonald's and playing "Sexy and I Know it" over and over and over again, driving out to Red Rocks and Lair o' the Bear to watch Andrew run with the cross country team, watching Regular Show and laughing at how stupid it is (but secretly loving it), going to 7 Eleven and getting slurpees, teaching them how to play lacrosse, walking through creeks and streams of all kinds, going to Andrew's and Alex's baseball games...it was a good summer with those kiddos. I don't know how many of them I have left, but it's the best job I could have ever asked for.

- My first semester at BYU. This is pretty much all I talk about, so I won't go into all of the details again. But those 4 months were the best of my life up until this point. All of the people I met and the memories I made are irreplaceable. From playing intramural soccer and watching the women's soccer team (they were almost as good as I was) to obsessively watching The Walking Dead outside at one in the morning, I had so much fun. Everyday was fun. I'm a nerd, but I love being a freshman. I love BYU, and I love that I love it.

- Going to General Conference for the first time! That weekend was so full of great, happy things. I got to go to two sessions of conference and it was incredible. That weekend, I stayed in a hotel with Mary, Emma, and Shelby in Salt Lake; I got to hang out with Taylor and go shopping at City Creek mall; we went out to dinner at some foreign, delicious restaurant; I got to see one of my greatest friends and ex-missionary and hang out with him in Temple Square; Taylor and I saw her sister, who's serving her mission in Temple Sqaure...all of those things added to the greatness of the weekend, but it just didn't compare to being in the conference center with the prophet and hearing all of those men and women talk. The spirit was so strong. I will never forget that experience.

- Finishing the Lazy Iron Man with Michael and Tyler. It's not the most strenuous workout program in the world, but I was so proud that we finished it! 26 miles running, 112 miles biking, and 2.4 miles swimming in one month. I'd say that's pretty darn impressive. And we got cool t shirts :)

- My cousin/best friend Allison getting engaged to her cute fiance Jake! They're so adorable, and I am so happy for them. When she called me and told me, I screamed and cried and the people on my floor thought I was psychotic.

- Passing all of my classes! Getting good grades in my classes (for the most part) and on my finals. It felt good to finish and feel like I worked hard.

- Getting my first calling and spending time getting to know the girls on my hall. I loved Relief Society, and looked forward to that the most every Sunday. It was so cool to see firsthand how the church is set up and to see how it worked with a whole bunch of 19-year olds in control.

- Having Tyler stay in Colorado in the beginning of winter break, and being able to hang out with my favorite friends in my favorite place. It was so much fun. I still can't believe we actually pulled it off! We talked about it kind of as a joke in the beginning, but then Tyler's parents said he could drive home with Michael. That was such a fun drive home, too. You know you like people when you can sit in a car for 8 hours with them and not get sick of them. 

And other little things...

- Senior Prom with all of my best friends.

- Getting a 4 on my AP Calc test. I tried so hard on that thing! It's not a 5, but it was good enough for me.

- Spending a weekend with my old friends, The McVeighs in Ogden during the semester.

- Spraining my ankle. NOT.

- Long-boarding with Emma and Aaron and Austin in a parking garage and getting chased by police. That was one of the most hilarious nights of my semester. I will never forget the adrenaline and the crazed look on Emma's face when we realized that we were literally being chased. Hiding in the bushes, strategically planning our escape...so funny.

- The night Taylor slept over in mine and Emma's room...illegally. We forgot to tell our RA she was staying over, so technically that was 100% against the rules. But it was still fun, and totally worth it.

- The night that Emma, Cecily, Jake and I watched the movie "Lol" with Miley Cyrus. We watched so many movies together, but that one was one of my favorites.

- Seeing my little cousins over the summer, who I hadn't seen in about 3 years. 

- Seeing Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw in concert with Taylor.

- Going to Cheeseman canyon three times during the summer. Laugh at the name if you must, but that is the most beautiful place in the world, I'm convinced. It's about an hour and a half drive, but I fell in love with it and dragged people with me to hike it as many times as I could. I caught 3 lizards in one day once there. And climbed in some super awesome caves. It's my own little Colorado adventure land.

- Watching my brother's soccer games via Skype. It was sad that I was so far away, but I loved being able to see that little stud playing varsity.

- Coming home for Thanksgiving and seeing my family for the first time in 3 months. That was such a happy reunion.

- Playing Scum in the library, in the cannon center, in our dorm room, in the basement, in the music practice rooms, in Taylor lobby...anywhere and everywhere, really.

I love memories, and I talk about them often. I could talk about 2012 for a while; it's been a really great year. But at the beginning of a new year, you're supposed to be excited for what lies ahead. This year holds so much. Starting with second semester of my freshman year, and eventually ending while I'm serving a mission. I can't even imagine what lies ahead. To kick it off, Taylor and I drove out to Daniel's Park to watch the first sunset of 2013. It was so great to go on a random, spur-of-the-moment adventure like we always did. I'm so excited for this year! #bringiton2013

A few pictures, just because I love sunsets and Taylor:

#strugglin'

Fun fact: I'm about to cry in this picture, because at this
point my hands were so cold that I couldn't feel my fingers.
#itwas12degrees #Taylorworegloves