Muffin Tops

Today was my birthday. I can't believe that I'm nineteen years old. I think about all of the other birthdays that I've had, and I remember that for each one I thought "This is the biggest birthday I've had." I guess that's true - every year you're one year older, and it's monumental because with every age comes new and exciting things. This time though, I really feel that way. I feel like I'm growing up really fast, and that I can't seem to keep up with my life. I can't believe I've already finished one semester of college. I can't believe that in exactly one year I won't even be able to call myself a teenager anymore. It's exciting in so many ways, but it's  also scary in so many ways.

I was feeling really sentimental all day today, so I thought I would let that carry over into this post. I hate to be such a mush ball, but it's my birthday so I'll do whatever I want. My heart has been so full recently. My life is not perfect, and it never will be. The past few months were not easy - it was hard to be away from home, especially at first. Classes were hard, and I came out with grades that were less than stellar. I didn't get enough sleep and had some pretty gnarly headaches because of it. The cafeteria food was less than par, and downright nasty on Sundays. I cried when I missed my brother's soccer games. I sometimes just wanted to run away from the stress and homework and tell everyone that I was never actually good enough to make it into BYU, they just let me in by mistake. I was hard on myself a lot. But, I met so many incredible people and had so many amazing experiences that it was impossible for me to dwell on the hard things for too long. I can't accurately express the joy I experienced just from simply being around people and having fun with my friends. Looking back at this semester, my first semester of college at Brigham Young University, I have never been happier in my life. 

If you thought that was mushy, you better prepare yourself for what's next.

I'm not very good with words, which is really funny because I seem to talk a lot. I wish someone else could type out my thoughts because I'm sure it would sound a lot better. But, that's not the case. I just have to talk about two of the best friends I made this semester, Michael and Tyler. Today was the last full day we'll get to spend together for two and a half years. Two and a half years. Michael is going on his mission in March and won't be back for second semester. I don't think it's really hit me how long that actually is. I've never had a best friend or brother or anyone really close to me go on a mission, so I don't even know what to expect; I don't really know how to feel. Is it okay for me to be sad and cry all the time? Part of me says yes, but a lot of me says no because he's going out and doing the Lord's work. It's one of the greatest and most important things he'll ever do, and Tyler and I will get to do the same thing in just a few short months. Even with all of the positive things that come with this knowledge, it's still so hard for me. I think I'll let myself be sad for now. I have come to love these two people so much. We've talked before about how close we've become and joked about how there aren't any boundaries left between us since we've all embarrassed ourselves enough, but I don't know if they really know how much their friendship has meant to me. I have learned so much from these two, and literally just from being in their presence I feel like I've become a better person. Their testimonies are beautiful and real, and I can see it when I look at them. They just aren't ashamed of who they are; they're genuine and honest and have the purest hearts. I know they're not perfect, but I honestly see them as role models that I could have for every aspect of my life. When we first started hanging out, I didn't expect us to become as close as we did so quickly. We started this workout program together, called the Lazy Iron Man (completing a full Iron Man in one month) in the beginning of November, so we spent time together every day. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that we were working out together...I feel like your walls sort of go down while you're working out, because you're pushing yourself and sweating and all of that fun stuff...it's hard to put up a front, I guess. I don't know. But we bonded a lot over that experience. They pushed me really hard because they're both significantly more athletic than I am, and I really treasured the moments when I would come away from a workout knowing that if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have been able to do whatever we had just done. There were multiple times when we spent entire days together, just for fun. We ate lunch together, watched the entire series of The Walking Dead, spent hours studying and playing cards. There are so many things that happened that make me smile whenever I think about them...When we woke up early to have breakfast and watch Tyler's soccer game, which was just the beginning of our first 18 hour adventure. Watching the Walking Dead every night until 3am, all snuggled up under blankets because it was 23 degrees outside. The first time Tyler and I ever planned to hang out, we ran into each other as he was walking back from racquetball and I was walking to Legend's for dinner - I hardly knew him at this point, but we planned to invite some of our friends to play racquetball. I remember I was super excited, and I turned to my friend Cecily and said "Isn't he cute?" Or the time that Michael and I spent 3 and a half hours talking about everything under the sun. That day was one that I will probably never forget - I told Michael things that I've never told anyone. For some reason, I just kept saying everything that was buried in the depths of my soul. The best part about it was that it felt so natural, and even though it was hard to open up about the deep stuff at first, it just kept coming because I knew that I could trust him, and I knew right then that I was talking to one of the best friends I'd ever had. Funny things that happened... like Tyler throwing up in the Cannon Center while Michael and I stuffed our faces with grapes (Michael definitely won, by the way); or the time that I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle and Michael farted while they were carrying me back to the dorm; when Michael lost his cheese from his Lunchable while we were watching The Walking Dead, which led to the creation of the nickname Michael "Where's-the-Cheese" Johnson. The time when we played croquet when it was getting dark and it was below freezing outside - we said we had to dress classy, so at least we looked nice while we freezed our booties off. I'll never forget the feeling I had when we finished our Iron Man - running the last half mile all together, and how satisfying it was to finally wear that T-shirt. Studying in the library until 2am (extended hours, baby) and spending most of the time playing Scum when everyone else was really focused on their studies. The little "surprise" birthday party Michael and I tried to have for Tyler, which resulted in absolutely no surprise for Tyler, some really horrible brownies, and an extremely successful pinata. We only broke a little part of the ceiling in the process... We pulled an all-nighter the night before we all left for Thanksgiving break. That night, after we had already seen a movie at the dollar theater, we watched the movie Forever Strong outside of Taylor, just like always, but we moved to Tyler's car to watch the Hunger Games. That was the first time Tyler held my hand, and I had butterflies the whole time. Michael slept through 94% of that movie, and once it was over, we took the car back to Tyler's sister's house and walked all the way home at 4:30 in the morning. I don't even remember most of that walk, I just remember that I was carrying 4 blankets and Tyler laughed a lot. One of my favorite memories that I have of this semester was the very last Fast Sunday we had, and Tyler, Michael and I each stood up and bore our testimonies. I hadn't heard them bear their testimonies yet, and I was a wreck afterwards. Testimonies are already so precious, but I just felt so blessed in that moment to have such amazing friends that are so steadfast in the true church of Jesus Christ and so willing to share. I cried a lot that day. Another one of my favorite moments was when I beat Tyler and Michael to the Cannon Center when we planned to meet for breakfast at 7:15. I think I woke up at 6, just so I could be positive that I would beat them. It was one of my prouder moments.

I just wish I could accurately express just how much I love these two. I was so blessed to be able to spend the past few days with them here in Colorado. Plenty of Scum playing, some chicken holding, The Hobbit and We Bought a Zoo, ice cream cake, delicious burritos, letting my inner country girl shine as I drove through the plains of Westminster and Brighton, star gazing in Sedalia, playing Mario Kart and watching Holes, making cookies and a delicious home cooked meal... I'm so happy. I might be depressed every time I think about Michael leaving us, but I'm so happy right now. I am so happy to be able to call these two my friends, and I am so happy that I was able to make so many great memories with them. I'll miss Michael terribly, but I keep picturing the reunion we'll have, after we've all served missions and communicated solely via letters for two and half years. It will be the best reunion, probably one with a lot of tears and snot. 

I think I'll go to bed smiling tonight.

The only thing I have left to say: Thank you, Michael and Tyler, for being two of the very best friends I've ever had. I love you guys more than you know.