Secret Prayer

I promise that my next post will be happy and joyful and filled with good things, but that one isn't quite finished yet - it's currently in draft form. I just wanted to talk about poopy things for a minute. It won't last very long.

I miss my family...a lot. I miss Colorado, and I miss the sunshine.

I sometimes just wish that Michael was here. But then I remember he has more important things to do than hang out with me.

I don't get enough sleep, and I think it's taking a toll on me.

Sometimes, all I need is for someone to sit down with me, stare me in the face and say "How are you really, Michelle?"

I need to put a little bit more effort into all of my classes. I need those A's!

I think I'm ready for the cold to leave. I am majorly lacking in vitamin D, and especially lacking in the tanned-skin department.

I'll stop there. I do have one bit of good news that I want to share, and I think it will make up for the list of complaints. This is one of the greatest things that has happened to me in all of my years of schooling. I actually teared up out of pure joy. A few weeks ago, I turned in my first essay in my writing class. It was a personal essay, so it could be about anything we wanted it to be, related to ourselves obviously. I wrote about my experience as a nanny-turned-teacher last summer and my conversion. It's kind of hard to accurately explain without posting the whole essay, but the main point was to compare my experience as a teacher (me teaching Addison math every single day, and really struggling), and my experience as a "student" of the missionaries while I was taking the discussions. I have to admit, it's the best essay I've ever written, and I spent hours on that thing. My teacher graded them, and she wrote all of us letters about what she liked about them and what could be fixed. There were just a few things that she told me I should change, and at the end of the letter she told me that I got the high score in the class. It may not be a huge deal, since it was the first essay and probably the easiest one we'll have all semester, but it was a huge deal to me. In college, so far my academic success has been pretty mediocre and not much to talk about, really. But this is one achievement that I just can't get over! I think I've reread that essay 30 times because of how proud I am of myself. That's kind of obsessive and maybe slightly prideful...but I think I'm okay with it. 96% on my first essay of the semester... I'll take it. :) Here's a little snippet; probably my favorite part. It's the last two paragraphs, so they're out of context, but I think it still makes sense -

"I often tried to imagine how Jesus felt, standing waist-deep in the Jordan River, ready to completely turn his life over to his Father. He was perfect; he didn’t need baptism to prove his worthiness. As I stood before the font – my own personal Jordan River – I was overwhelmed with the realization that I needed this baptism. The steps that descended into the water would be a bridge from my old, beaten-down self, to a clean, transformed self whom I was desperate to meet. After waiting for so long, I finally got the dunking I was waiting for; I was completely submerged, and as I came up, I left my chains of sorrow, pain, and regret in the water, wrapped instead in the arms of mercy. I turned to my teachers, the tears in my eyes mirrored in theirs. Love naturally arises when you serve someone selflessly, with your whole heart. My faithful teachers, in their black name tags and matching ties, knew that better than anyone else; they wore the name of the world’s greatest teacher over their hearts every single day to prove it.

· · ·

For the last days of summer, we left the math book in its cupboard. We celebrated with fishing poles, tire swings, and peanut butter and jelly. During those last days, I took time to see Addison; not as my student, but as my pal that I loved. I noticed the way he held my hand across the street; an expected routine I hadn’t given much thought to before. He always trusted me to lead him safely to the other side. He reached out for my hand, and I was finally there to hold his."

So, there you go. Sometimes I can do well in school. Maybe in this case it was just because I'm pretty good at talking about myself.

Last tidbit of the evening: I'll be listening to hymns while I finish my homework tonight. And I'm going to love every minute of it.