I've spent the past two nights with the missionaries from my ward teaching a girl who is investigating the church. I'm not necessarily "teaching," they just ask me to bear my testimony and talk about my experience as an investigator back in the day. It's been a truly incredible experience for me. I used to meet with the missionaries so often - there was rarely a week that went by that I didn't meet with them when I first started taking the discussions. It's so funny for me to be on the other side of the lessons now. After I was baptized, I did this sometimes, where I would tag along with the missionaries and bear my testimony and talk with other investigators. For some reason, it just feels different this time. Maybe it's because I'm actually going to be teaching these lessons in just a few short months. Or maybe it's because I've learned so much since then. I don't know, but I can tell you that it's a great feeling.
The missionaries (Elder Kalkbrenner from Germany, and Elder Ence from Utah, who are both so awesome) are teaching a girl named Jessikia. She is pretty comfortable with the idea of getting baptized, but she kept saying over and over again tonight that she's nervous, and that she is afraid of the level of dedication she would have to have in order to actually get baptized. She was being pretty vague, and in the end she never completely opened up about what was going on, but something she said just spoke straight to my heart - she said that she was afraid that she couldn't really be forgiven for things she had done, and that she knew that even after she was baptized she would keep making mistakes. As cheesy as it is to say, I was so overcome with emotion in that moment, because that is exactly how I felt when I wanted to be baptized. As much as I wanted to be baptized, I was so afraid that there was still some disconnect that hadn't been mentioned; that because of things I had done I wasn't actually able to be baptized, or that even after I was baptized, I would still never really live up to what was considered "good enough." It's so sad, because that is the complete opposite of what the missionaries teach. I don't really know why I felt that way, but I could relate to Jessikia so much in that moment that I just had to say something (of course). As soon as I opened my mouth, though, I started crying and I felt kind of dumb, but the spirit was there and words just started coming out. I told her about the first time I truly repented, and how it felt when I came out of the water when I was baptized. I told her that I was scared to leave the church that night because I was afraid of sinning again and ruining that feeling of being perfectly spotless. I told her about how I felt when I knew without a doubt that I was forgiven, and when I knew that the Atonement was real. It was a really tender moment, because I haven't really talked about those things in a while. She started talking about her feelings, and the spirit was just so strong. I could have stayed there all night and just listened. I realized how much I missed spending time with missionaries and how much I treasured all of those times I was able to meet with them. Those were some of the hardest days of my life, but surely some of the greatest. In just a few weeks, it will have been two years since I started meeting with the missionaries. Two whole years. I can't even believe it sometimes. Since then, I've been baptized, my mom started coming to church, I made it through a semester at BYU, and I'm preparing to go on a mission. It's amazing how lives can change; but really, it's amazing how the gospel can change lives. I'm so excited for Jessikia. I know that this is the hard part, but I also know that she'll realize soon enough that she's right where she belongs, and all she needs to do is take that step. I wish I could be here longer to see what happens, but I already know what's going to happen. :)
You're gonna make a great missionary someday :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Tyler, I sure hope so. I know you will make a great missionary too, so there's no need to lose any more sleep about it. ;)
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